Falling out of oblivion
by mon.cheri.mer
Summary: Did you ever taste the bitterness of defeat? Bitterness of loosing the most precious one in your life? Bitterness of forgetting him, craving him and living alongside but not together? If not then you never tasted sorrowful life. Welcome to the masquerade.
1. Lullaby

Sun didn't bother to reach us and bath in its sunbeams yet, so we were lazily laid down on the hood, our legs tangled, my eyes closed. I sighed, not wanting to move yet, to get away from this innocent pleasure, from sweet aroma of his body and hair.. I didn't want to lose it yet, because deep down I just knew it was the last time. For me, that is. He should be able to go on living, loving, being. It was me who was at a loss. He had a life, he deserved the one not tainted with me.

''Hey, Mello.. I don't want to loose you.'' I looked at him, at his dark reddish hair. I remember the day he dyed it as if that happened just yesterday. He always had dark hair which had red gleam when displayed in sun. One day I told him I loved this scarlet accent. The next second he was dragging me down the street into nearest market. Then he motioned towards hair dyes and grabbed the dark red one. It looked like some cherries, I remember was what I thought. Half an hour later we were sitting on the side of bath, I tangled with his limb, just nuzzling my face in his neck. He smelled sharply of chemicals and red stains were visible on his forehead. I loved this sight, I loved him. Sitting and just feeling instead of hearing his love for me. This was perfect evening I must admit.

''You won't.'' Next I looked in his bright green eyes. The were full of mischief and longing when they were seated on me. I like how they sparkled when I told him something kind and how they darkened when my lips brushed his ear while whispering seductive words. For me he is a perfect match. The only problem is me being his worst match, but.. Just for a little bit longer..

''You're gonna die.'' I laughed internally. Of course I am gonna die, baby. But, don't worry. You will find your happiness I assure you. Just for now, for a few more seconds, please be blind. Be blind and see only me. Because I selfishly cannot let go of you yet. I am aware of the fact we are not destined to be together. No matter how strongly I feel about you.. I am not for you. Or you are not for me. Maybe neither way. I don't want to see you in pain which I am sure sooner or later will be brought upon you because of me. I feel sick just thinking about making you suffer. Forgive me love, just wrap you arms around me for one second longer, just tell me you love me, just be blind.. Please.. And I will let you go in near future. There's no other way, believe me. You will be free, as free as I always wanted to see you be.. So please..

''Why would I? If I die, I will be separated from you. You, baby, are going straight to heaven. And me, like every good sinner will be going to hell. I don't want to loose you, so I'm not gonna die.'' Matt smiled and caressed my skin touching my cheeks, my eyelids, my neck, my lips.. Just the way I wanted him to, just the way I needed him to do. I closed my eyes for second arching into his body, trying to steal as much of his heat as I could. My needy hands brushed his soft skin. It wasn't perfect; nothing about him was perfect. Thanks god he wasn't. I loved every little error in his body. I loved his slightly violet puffs under eyes from gaming too much in night time. I loved dote on his cheek. And neck. And shoulder. I loved every too much visible vein straining blue across creamy white body. I loved his scar gracing his left rib from the time he fell down from a three at time we were seven. I loved everything about him. My Matt.

''Come and get me as fast as you can.'' He whispered and I nodded, brushing my lips over his. This was my paradise. I didn't want any other, just my Matt looking at me lovingly like this. I wanted to die with his image before my eyes because I just knew this would be peaceful death.

You might tell me this romantic side doesn't match my fierce personality but still I don't actually care. My Matt deserved to be loved slowly and warmly. And I, I also deserved to be able to relax for few hours, get away from my race, from hatred, from my constant high. From drugs, killing, corps..

''See you soon.'' I also whispered, not wanting to rip this perfect quiet love.

''Tell me you love me, Mello.''

''There will be plenty of chances to do so Matt.'' An overwhelming need to throw up shaken my body when I lied to him. No, love, there won't any other chance than this one. I just don't want to make you suspicious. I just don't want you to be hurt..

''Tell me this now.'' He closed his eyes and lowered his head slightly, just enough for me to reach his ear without getting on my toes. I growled feeling like crying. Why was I such a bad man? Why didn't I deserve to be with my beloved? Why the only thing I could bring him in future was pain?

''I love you, Matt.''

''Again..''

''I love you, babe..''

''Again..''

''I love you.. Mail.'' I hesitated a little before using his name. We didn't use them too much and for some reason I felt like they weren't ours, like those names didn't belong to us, didn't describe us the way name described any other normal person.. However this time his name rolling from my tongue suddenly got new meaning, new description.

''I love you just as much, Mello.. Mihael.. Baby.. Love..'' he used those in one line, trying to tell me, no matter which was I called, those all refereed to me and me only. That after all deaths, killings, kidnappings, abuse.. I was still Mihael he met at Wammy's at age of four, the same one who in first seconds of talking carelessly told him his real name, not caring about all secrety.. But it was mean only for his ears to hear, I knew it back then and I know it now. It never changed. Neither when stupid Yagami spelled it out for everyone to hear.. For Kira's ears.. I am positive he didn't know about this though. But it doesn't change the fact he sentenced me with this little action to death. I am sure this was the night I was destined to die. I felt it in my boned, in blood rushing in my veins.. Even in the air.

''See you soon, love.''

''Yeah.'' He smiled at me and drove first, to follow my crazy plan. I choked, trying to silence the sobs which wanted to tore from my throat, from between my lips. _Please be safe _I begged as I revved my bike, looking at red Camaro. _Please.._

He wasn't. Eleven bullets tore his perfect body and my soul. Eleven bullets which caressed him the way I did all nights before. Eleven bullets which ripped my life out of my body. Eleven bullets which killed me with more success than any heart attack could. Eleven bullets which made me understand my mistake and regret everything. EVERYTHING. Nothing was worth loosing Matt. So it was only fair I should follow.

I don't know what was I thinking, getting him to follow me and proceed with this stupid plan. I cannot believe I actually let him persuade me. He always was stubborn, no matter what I said or wanted he still managed to talk me into doing as he wanted. Anybody who thought it was me who was bossy bastard in our relationship.. partnership.. just didn't know him, didn't know us. He was quiet but it doesn't mean he was calm. No. He was boiling volcano fearing to erupt any second. I loved this, when he was at his borders and snapped because some small thing. I loved how he bossed me around and cursed at me for making him lusty while playing his game. I loved how he grabbed my hips when I was passing between him and coffee table, blocking his view on TV for mere seconds and he actually growled in irritation and decided it was not worth playing anymore.. And then he would grab me and say it was my fault, for pushing my mouthwatering ass right before his face so I should take the consequences.. And I did, smirking above his arm because of my sly plan. I loved everything about him.

So, when he died, I deserved to die with him. In most painful way for getting him killed. For ripping my angel from this world, for pushing him in death's arms to engulf him, just to be first in line for the first time in my life, just in sake of my stupid arrogance, just for letting the world know who was Mello and how far he could go..

How far, how deep he could push Near into darkness.. Yes, for those reasons I deserved to die. And I would gladly do without complaining. Maybe a little nagging over my lousy guilty self..

So I did, in seconds.

Surrounded by the fire, looking at cross, I prayed. I prayed till I could for Matt's soul, so he would go to heaven without any not necessary inconvenience or problems. _Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum.. _My breath hitched as I closed my eyes for a second, feeling rosary dangling from my neck, bumping at my chest, at place where my heart was meant to be [was it even there anymore?] and making me shiver with anxiety. My upper body leaned on steering wheel on its' own and I couldn't do much anymore, just clutching small cross between my pale fingers and mouthing the soothing words, a pass for Matt to heaven. I was almost positive he would rest in peace, when my eyes widened with fear, regret, sorrow as I slowly opened them and saw my beloved one standing inside fire circle, observing me with those sad eyes of him, watching me die.

Why did you stay, idiot?

I couldn't leave you, love.

No, no, no nononono...! What have you done? I just wanted you to be happy!

Tears gathered in my eyes, but before they fell I just.. Died.


	2. Beginning

The shooting was taking way too long because of many unexpected problem that occurred before I even appeared here. Now, it was three and a half hours later, two stolen chocolate biscuits and one milk machhacino spiced by my many snappings of temper later. I snarled looking in the mirror. My face was pale; not sickly pale, but the porcelain shade. I smiled gently, looking at myself behind half opened eyelids. I chuckled, knowing how sexily did I look like.

Those motherfuckers knew exactly how much money would they earn by hiring me. And let me tell you; I wasn't cheap. I was fucking exclusive and got big money from this. And if they assumed costs will be refunded then it meant something.

That I am fuckin amazing, to be precise.

I chuckled one again and threw my head back, resting the palms of my hands on its top.

Knock, knock, knock.

''What?'' I asked half-heartedly pretending to be mad. My manager came in and eyed me curiously. Shouldn't he already be used to my abnormally high narcissism? Dear Lord.. It wasn't this rare to see me staring at my own reflection so why still bother giving me those looks?

''They are ready to..''

''Finally.'' I got up before he could anything new and tapped fingers on bottom getting rid of imaginary dust. I cocked my head back and checked my reflection in mirror. Pf, yeah, once again. And I must say it was perfect. Like always.

Yeah, I am a narcissist. But believe me, I have reasons to be.

''One more angle and that's it.''

''Better pray it's truth.'' I muttered under my breath and catwalked to the big trunk positioned in the centre of well-lighted room. I breathed, in and out and climbed in driver's seat then lied down on steering wheel.

''Turn your head to the side as if it dropped from the impact of crash.'' Photographer eyed my body and positioned it a little to better match his taste. Uncomfortable shivers run down my spine and weird feeling stiffened my muscles. My imagination displayed those weird views right in front my eyes and I involuntary shivered. This felt as if my destiny was chasing me and decided to get me here, as if it was my end.. Oh god, I should start thinking about something else rather than driving myself psycho.. Oh yeah. Now that I think about this I actually didn't even know what all this photoshoot was about. For me it was about getting money. For them surely too, but it had some other purpose.

I closed my eyes, trying too look as dead as I could, reviewing from memory parts of contract I only caught a glimpse of. Wasn't this something about drunken drivers? Yeah, if I recall correctly. And more likely I did. This was supposed to look as some random crash, where the driver gets himself and victim killed because of his own stupidity. I was the victim. Some random person threw off the road and killed in crash with three.

Two days ago we took photos on locations but they said some indoors were also needed. And that was fine by me. So here I was, laying on steering wheel, dead. I inhaled and moved slightly, changing my facial expression to make more possibilities to catch my beauty..err.. Tragedy..

I even managed to relax a little, when somebody fucked everything up by simple action: litting a fire, as I guessed when some lights got to my eyes across closed eyelids. What the fuck was happening?

I snapped my eyes open and looked around. Indeed, hot, burning, fucking melting flames were right behind me, outside the trunk.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck! I never agreed to this!

Flesh blinded me as I got up and thrashed around, panicked. Sorry, but that's it. I have fucking arsonphobia. Don't ask me why. I just had. Period.

''Mihael, relax, it's not gonna get you so..''

''NO! GET ME OUT OF HERE, GET ME AWAY FROM THIS FUCKING FIRE!'' I tried to cure this. I would stay in front of burning house waiting for firefighters to come and rescue building and I would panic, scream and..oh dear Lord, what a shame.. Sometimes even cry..

Fuck, I couldn't breathe, my head was spinning and all I wanted to do was run away however my legs wouldn't move even though I was screaming internally for them to do so. The chocolate biscuits I ate earlier came to my throat and I felt like throwing up, I leaned on the steering wheel once again, ready to face my death.. No, I wasn't ready, but there was no other way, this fire was going to suck me in and this was just too much, but I never wanted to die, I wanted to live, I wanted to keep on going, because this feeling was there, this feeling telling me I had to find it, this something, this somebody and I don't know why was that happening, but please God don't let me die, don't let me die' DON'T LET ME DIE!..

''MELLO!'' Who was Mello? Why did it sound so familiar? Why those weird feelings were pooling up in my chest? Why?why?why?why?why? Mihael, Mihael, you know him, you know Mello, you should only think, think stupid, concentrate, the answer is just round this corner..

Two strong hands clasped on my shoulders gripping me tight and pulling harshly out the trunk. I squeezed my eyes closed, clutching desperately to my savior. What was wrong with me?

''Don't force me see you die in front of my eyes again, Mello..'' somebody whispered to my ear, hugging me to his chest and I clung to it, to this peace, insurance of stability and safety, to this.. feeling.. and I simply passed out.

* * *

><p>This warmth hugging my body from all directions was making me body relaxed. I liked this. I liked this warmth. Whenever I wanted to keep myself warm when sleeping I would have to secure myself under many sheets and covers but now I didn't feel any fabric teeing me down. This was something new. But hell if I was going to loose it to check on it. I wiggled a little making myself more comfortable.<p>

''Mihael.''

''I am not doing this photoshoot again, thank you very much. I mean, fuck. I told you clearly: now fire. And what you are doing? Lighting a fucking fire! No way, give the money and use left material and maybe I won't sue you. Maybe.'' I gritted my teeth and rolled my eyes fighting to keep them closed. I didn't want to get up yet but there was big chance I had to. To go home and never come back to this liar company.

''However I must say there is little chance that we won't sue you. You broke the concract and I have any argumentation needed to do so. You risked my customer's life and well being by your actions and I shall make you suffer the consequences.''

''Mister Ross..''

''Rod, finally. Get this the hell outta here, I have a headache and want to go home for today.'' I murmured sitting up. Eh, I guess I won't be taking any of this peaceful sleep for now.

''Get out, I need to talk with Mihael.''

''But we haven't finished..''

''I said get out. Which part don't you understand?'' I rubbed my eyes and looked up at my manager. I chuckled when spokesmen of Karr' Company got out. Don't blame him it was just the fact Rod looked like some mafioso that nobody felt the need to argue with him. Was actually glad to have him work as my manager. We fitted each other. His dangerous and all-mighty aura with my power.

''Shall we sue them?''

''Yeah, the more money the better.'' I shrugged and got up, stretch my muscles and looked around to find some plastic bottle standing on desk. I walked to this and took a sip. ''After all the victory is ours so why not? Let's make them taste the consequences of fucking with us.''

''There, that's my boy.'' Rod chuckled and I just smirked glancing at him through the mirror. I met this dude about twelve years ago by the time I was seven and now I didn't want to think how my life would proceed without him. After all he took care of me and piloted my life in good direction, out of trouble and.. well, dark stuff you may call it.

''Thanks for getting me out of the trunk.'' I murmured while taking leather vest off to replace it with black cotton shirt.

''Yes, about that. Do you want to know who was this guy that got you out? Maybe thank him? He was pissy when I kicked him out but thought better of it than leaving some stranger with you in room.''

''Yeah, that's good. So, who was he?'' I asked tying the laces of my pants a little tighter. There was no need to replace them looking at the fact I fancied the way leather hugged my small ass. Plus it was comfortable.

''Well, photographer.''

''From this company?''

''No, disassociated one. And the weird part was him insisting on calling you Mello.'' Something in my chest stirred but I've chosen to ignore that.

''Some freak.'' He nodded and I put on me leather jacket for which sake I abandoned my beloved coat. He was not as comfortable to wear while riding a bike as short jacket. I breathed deeply and looked in mirror. Still, I looked beautifully.

''...check out his name.'' Rod raised at my one eyebrow but didn't say anything. Better this way cause I really wouldn't know what to say, how to answer if he asked questions. I just.. felt, that this bloke was important in some way. It was weird when he held me close and my body stopped shaking.

''I will call you later.'' I nodded and he handed my keys. I smiled at him knowingly and he answered me with same action. Next thing I registered was walking down the corridor and getting out on parking lot. I revved my bike and set off to wind my thoughts away.

When I got back home my answering machine signalized me one unanswered message.

''Hey Miha. I checked out and it appears that dude is called Mail Jeevas. And believe it or not.. He requested photoshoot with you. Well, I agreed. You can talk with him about what happened. Photoshoot will be taken on twenty second of November. What I.. yeah. I also signed papers and will go tomorrow to the court. Yeah. See you tomorrow, Miha.''

"Twenty second, huh?" Light smirk crept on my lips when I thought about meeting this Jeevas boy. I don't know why, but still.. I was looking forward to this.

I chuckled to myself and slowly motioned towards kitchen to grab some energizer and then tied my hair in a ponytail. Now came my most beloved- yeess, this is sarcasm shithead- part of the evening: training. I sighed. I resigned myself to this and just did push-up and any other fucking exercises while only mumbling some curses under my breath. As much as I hated this- making my body suffer and go numb, I simply had to do this. You want to be a model? Okay, but first show me god's ass. That's how it worked. And really, it was all I had. My parents didn't give a shit what I did for a living and I preferred this over selling myself in run-down car. And what is more I didn't want to make Rod regret taking care of me. Hell if I didn't care about his opinion much more then those people's who had the nerve to call themselves my parents. It was him who spotted me and offered a job, then helped find a flat and everything. He was nice man, really.

My arms trembled at my fifty first push-up and I came crashing down, banging my face on hard floor. God damn it.

* * *

><p>''Mello, you must cut your hair. Stylist have had enough of stylizing it. There's no way to make you look manly if you insist to keep your haircut feminine!''<p>

''Then goddamnit fire me if you don't like it!'' I yelled and smashed the door at the wall in the proccess of opening them and getting out. Out of there, the sooner the better. I run down the stairs not bothering waiting for elevator to come and jumped out of building. My breath was laboured but I haven't had the time to care about this. I needed to get to my therapist this second or else I would go mental. If I already didn't, that is..

I caught the taxi and sat myself inside while trying to even my breath. This wasn't the simplest thing in the world, really. But I don't know why. Fucking idiots. I hate them so much, I hate this work, I hate my body I hate.. God, I hate everything. Fuckers who tell me how to live, how to eat, how to look, how to behave. I hate my body for its tendency to get fat very quick and how it needed many exercises to stay fit and nice. I hate my.. mind, from all the things.. The thing I took pride in when I was younger, the thing that was making me ill, devastated now. I hate those memories-like flashbacks shattering my self.. I hate this thing called God for my misery.

Like I said, I hate everything. Pretty easy to follow from the second you agree with yourself and stop trying to fight this feeling.

I threw some money on driver and jumped out of the car, speeding to the building where my therapist resided. Without waiting for secretary to introduce me I barged into his office and plopped down on couch.

''Mister Keehl. Long time no seen, two days and fifteen hours. Your personal record.'' I snarled at him shooting dangerous glare.

''Watch it, Watari.'' I murmured and lied down, allowing my tired body to relax a little. Those visits were a blessing, really. They allowed me to feel at ease, even if only for one hour. For me that was enough.

''What happened this time, Mihael?'' I closed my eyes and thought for a second, rolling possible answers on my tongue. Which was the most suitable? Which was closest to truth that could not be comprehended by words?

''I cannot sleep.''

''Nothing unusual about this.'' I scowled shooting up.

''Yeah, and that is my fucking problem, you damned Doc!'' I shouted wildly, squeezing hands on my trousers imaging it was Watari's neck. Oh, how nice would that be..

''Don't get me wrong Mihael. It's just that I told you those pills will need about week to take effect. I don't want to drug you with stronger one till it's inevitable.'' He smiled at me and I sighed. I knew that, really. It was just that I was so tired of fighting my body and mind that there was nothing more desirable than some strong drugs..

''I dreamt about him again.'' I shifted my eyes on the ceiling only to avoid his understanding eyes. I couldn't look in them while being this weak cause this would lead me to crying. And I was not crying. Ever. '' Mello.'' I whispered, feeling his eyes on mine, even though I knew damn well he was aware who was I talking about. What was he expecting? That I would start my story from the beginning once again? There was no need to do so, I already told him this about millions times. Was he expecting me to start telling him once again as the very first dream hunted me when I was eleven and got locked in abandoned warehouse on fire? It was so hot and I felt like fire would melt my body in a second. That was the very first night when I dreamt about Mello. Strong-willed, stubborn, merciless Mello. Sexy, dangerous Mello. Mello who loved chocolate and leather and.. and something I didn't remember about. Mello who was totally incomplete without this part I couldn't find. Mello, who once was me.. And in the same time wasn't. I don't know, I cannot understand this..

"Better tell me what happened.''

''Nothing much.'' I breathed hard, in and out. This was somehow relaxing my body. For my mind there was no more any escape. I rolled small pillow under my head and lied down once again. I didn't want to talk about this, this pitiful fear, the way I cried when I saw fire. Although I was aware this was vital for my therapy I still couldn't bring myself to say it aloud without Watari forcing me.

''Were you working today?''

''…no.''

''Yesterday?''

''Well, yes.. I was taking shoots for that company I told you last time.''

''And anything bad happened?''

''Don't know if you will consider this bad or not.'' I mumbled shifting hand to place it across my face. I knew it would spasm in fear while I was talking so better hide it to myself. No need to show him how fearful I was.. How weak.. pathetic..

''Shall I decide after hearing this?''

''Well, really.. They lit the fire while I was unaware of this, locked in a trunk. And.. just didn't want to stop, okay? And I didn't like this.'' I didn't see him but I could guess he narrowed his eyes because there was silence and no immediate answer. Like always when he was unnerved.

''This was stupid. I hope you told them you won't be coming back again?''

''Of course!'' I got up immediately looking at him like he was a psycho. Because really, who would go back to those idiots? Surely not me.

''Anything more?''

''..not really. You know Watari, I would rather go home now..'' I muttered while getting up. He looked at me thoughtfully, but that was it. I didn't want to talk about anything more with him. At least not today. I had to figure things on my own without some psychiatrist meddling with it.

"Wait Mihael. Do you maybe know how Light is doing?'' I grimaced on this. Had he no shame to ask me about Light?

''I don't babysit him, it's L's job, not mine.''I spit the words out, waved at him half-heartedly and got out. That wasn't my bussiness, how his nephew and his boyfriend, who was apparently the only model who could threaten my contract were doing. Fuck.

I need to get out of my mind.

* * *

><p><em>I am gonna die, baby. But, don't worry.<em>I don't know what was happening but this was sick, I was so afraid, afraid of losing the biggest part of me. Death was also frightening but not as this thing, this thing..

_Surrounded by the fire, looking at cross, I prayed._What was that I prayed for? I cannot remember but my life depended on it, my peace, my death, my everything, because this thing was my everything and I was so afraid about this, because nothing was left to protect this.. What was it?

_Ave Maria, gratia plena, Dominus tecum._Dear Lord, I am shameful child of yours but please, hear my prays because my soul will shatter if I won't be sure my everything was at peace, dear Lord, I surely am a regrettable child of yours, despicable child of yours, but please, guard my precious thing..

_My upper body leaned on steering__ wheel__._This moment was so close and I know nightmares will be hunting me for eternity because I am sure I did everything to protect this and no pray will be wasted..

_Fingers were clutching small cross._Christ, you died for us, sinners. Don't leave me in my final battle, don't let my most precious suffer, don't let my sacrifice be wasted.. I exhort you on this cross, don't let it..

_Eyes widened with fear, regret, sorrow._Because I almost..

_Saw my beloved one standing inside fire circle._ And I think it was my precious thing.. And it hurt me to let him be..

_Watching me die._

Beeeep…. beeeep.… beeeep….

"This is Watar..''

''Watari! It's not working!'' My hands were shaking and my whole body was trembling. I could hear, fuckin' hear my teeth clattering. I squeezed my hand in fist and pushed it hard against my cheek. I must control myself, I must.

''Mihael? Lord, it's four in the morning..''

''It's not working! For fuck's sake, nothing is working! Mello, he, he..''

''He what?''

''He died.. I died.. I died in a fire and he was watching me die?''

''He?'' Did he kill you?''

''Oh, you don't understand anything!'' I threw the phone across the room and it broke on the wall. Battery landed on the sofa and the crashed on floor. I clutched my head between my hands hard and closed my eyes not to let tears fall. I didn't cry, ever. What the hell was happening?

I needed to see Jeevas boy. This got worse after seeing him.

Yes, now I really had to see Jeevas boy, not only because I was intrigued and attracted to him.

I just had to meet Jeevas boy.


End file.
